Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Roastin' With My Homies

Hey y'all.

So, I'm the 'mostly silent' partner in this whole KDP blog, but my own pride and my own shame have finally played enough of a part to convince me that it was time to actually make an effort and write up a post. In my own defense, several half-assed efforts have been made in the past, but none have yet come to a complete fruition. Until now!

Aren't you lucky?

In an effort to really impress - or not - I'm giving you the DL on how to roast a whole chicken. That's right, the whole shoot'n'match. One bird, one pan, one temperature setting = BOOYAH. All up in your mouth. Starch, veggies, protein... I'm not kidding. This is a one-pan meal and you'd best believe it, because it's tasty as all get-out and easier than the simplest of pies to boot.

The first step, of course, is to pour yourself a draaaaaank.

Oh, please. Don't give me that look. Did you think this was some kind of fancy blog? Well, you were wrong. Around here we may not be 70/30 on store-bought v. fresh ingredients, but we certainly follow the Sandra Lee example example of cocktail hour. So! Saddle up or piss off.

Now that we've established that properly, let me elaborate on tonight's potent potable: considering I've half a box of Bota Shiraz (again, really? You want to judge? Have you had Bota Box? They're the best damn wine available for the price 'round these here parts or any other as far as I know, so don't knock it 'til you try it), but considering that I was listening to NPR's live coverage of the 2012 Republican Super Tuesday Primaries, I was going to need something a little stronger. Double blood orange Manhattan? Why, yes, thank you. In a vintage Couroc glass? Absolutely.

Now that you're all taken care of, with whatever delectable beverage you've selected, let's move on to the edible subject at hand: dinner. The ingredients are simple and versatile, though I've assembled some of my personal favorites and near-ubiquitous ones here, for the purpose of keeping the details straightforward.

Chicken. Free-range in this case, because an organic chicken in Alaska costs approximately $8,000 if you're not living on a farm in the Matanuska valley. I don't know about y'all, but I just don't have the sort of money for organic meat unless it comes as a gift from someone with a boat or a gun, so I do what I can with the options I have. Potatoes are a natural complement to roasting chicken - put one atop the potatoes and they get all covered and cooked in the glorious, deliciously flavorful fat of the chicken as it cooks away. How could you possibly argue that? As for a veggie, I chose the half an onion hanging about in the fridge and some zucchini in this case because it was on sale - however, broccoli or brussels sprouts are as equally delectable an option.

Excuse me?

You don't like brussels sprouts? In fact, you hate them?

Child, you shut your whore mouth when you're talking about brussels sprouts. Clearly, you haven't the faintest idea what's going on. Steamed sprouts, with no seasoning, could honestly be the Devil's own work. However, have you ever had them roasted? In olive oil, or butter, or chicken fat? With salt, pepper, and garlic? If you have, there is no possible way you'd bother to argue. So knock it off.

Alright. You've got the protein, atop the starch and the veggies. "Seasonings" are salt & pepper - flavors are enhanced, in this case, with garlic and smoked paprika. Whilst the oven has been heating up to 450 degrees F, smash some garlic cloves to throw in the cavity along with salt & pepper. The potatoes, already quartered, should be in your largest cast iron skillet - or a Pyrex dish, if you don't have cast iron (you don't have cast iron?! Christ) - with olive oil, salt/pepper/powdered garlic already on them. Truss up the legs of your chicken and put it breast-side down on the foundation. Salt & pepper the hell out of it, then flip it breast-side up and repeat. DO NOT SKIMP on your seasoning. The skin needs to be crispy, salty, and flavorful. I don't care if you're worried about your figure and you're going to toss the skin anyway - DO IT.

Let me clarify: I'm not interested in your sass.

Now that it's all good to go, put your skillet'o'goodness into the oven. After 45 minutes, pull that sucker out of the oven and arrange your chopped zucchini (what, you haven't already sliced and prepped them?) around the bird and then place it back in the oven for another 30 minutes. After the 30 minutes is up, take erry'thang out of the oven and let it rest, uncovered, for 10 minutes. The bird I had was 4.75 lbs, so I went just over 15/min a lb and then some with the rest period and everything was lovely. Meat cooks as it rests, remember - so err on the side of slightly underdone, with a rest period, instead of overdoing it to begin with.

Doesn't that look amazeballs?

Especially when you're about to eat it?

Aww, yeah.

In other news, as previously mentioned most of this was enjoyed to the dick-slippin' slow jams of the idiotic Republican wannabe-nominees of the 2012 Presidential election on this most excellent Super Tuesday, as hosted oh-so-fabulously by NPR. However, I finished it out by enjoying some old but fantastic tunes by Rites of Spring.

Check it out and rock out, bishes.


  1. Val is unleashed upon the blogging world. Watch out.

  2. Brussel sprouts are icky! ... but...I guess they're kinda....sorta...maybe a little bit....okay....but only when you make them....and I still don't like them very much.

  3. Watch out for drunk-blogging Val! She won't put up with your shit! (I love this post. I'm sending it to my mother.)

  4. I don't know why y'all are so insistent that I was shitcanned, just because I poured myself a double.


  5. Val, let's be honest. You were listening to the Super Tuesday run down.
    You were drunk and angry and you took it out on a chicken.

    Top form.